A Down-Under Bestiary

A not-at-all-comprehensive but hopefully entertaining and moderately accurate (or moderately entertaining and hopefully accurate?) listing of some animals we encountered in Australia and New Zealand.

Name: Cassowary
Fun Fact: "According to the Guinness Book of Records, the Cassowaries are the world’s most dangerous birds, capable of dealing fatal blows."
Spotted: Not at all, which is probably a good thing. The sign is from the Atherton Tablelands.

Or else.

Name:  Freshwater Crocodile

Also Known As: Fresh Croc of Bel Air

Arch-enemies: Steve Irwin; Captain Hook

Spotted in: Kuranda Koala Gardens

Fun fact: Pudgy tummies are actually kind of adorable. In a scaly, lethal kind of way.

We do not advise poking them.

Name: Red-legged Pademelon

Favorite sports team: Red Sox

Spotted in: Kuranda Koala Gardens

Name: Dingo
Favorite Food: .... You know what, I decided not to go there.
Spotted at: Ayers Rock
How to say "Please do not feed the dingoes" in German, according to the sign posted in the resort laundry room: "Füttern Sie niemals Dingoes."

Name: Kangaroo
Spotted in: Kuranda Koala Gardens
Preferred pose: Recumbent, and vaguely sleazy.

Hey baby. Nice pouch.

Do you have any family stories about kangaroos? Why, yes! I'm so glad you asked!

It is my understanding that kangaroos, to Australians (or at least rural ones) are like deer to Midwesterners: deer are rats with antlers, and I suppose kangaroos are rats who can jump. But us foreigners can't help being sentimental about kangaroos, seeing as they rarely go through our windshields. So my sister, upon seeing a dead critter by the roadside, distressedly asked her host if it was a poor little kangaroo.

"Nah, that's not a kangaroo," he said.
"It's not?" said she, relieved.
"Nah! That's a wallaby! They're littler, and cuter."


Name: Little Blue Penguin (NZ)
Alternate names: Blue Penguin (NZ), Fairy Penguin, (Aus), just plain Penguin because "Fairy Penguin" is not PC (Aus)
Are you serious?: Yes
Spotted at: International Antarctic Center, Christchurch, New Zealand
Ticklish: Yes
Cuteness rating: Head explodes

Head explodes in three... two...

He was really, really suspicious of the British tourists. And rightfully so.

Name: Megabats/ Flying Foxes
Spotted at: Batreach, Kuranda, Queensland, Aus.; Tolga Bat Hospital, Atherton Tablelands.
How "mega" is "mega?" Sometimes over a foot, toe to head, and with a serious wingspan.

That is some serious engineering right there.

How else are they different from the bats we see in the USA? American bats are microbats.Microbats use echolocation; megabats generally do not. Megabats have good eyesight and fur. Microbats eat insects and other small forms of protein; megabats eat fruit, nectar, and pollen. And megabats have very different faces - which make the "flying fox" nickname pretty self-explanatory.

Microbat (image from Tolga Bat Hospital)

Megabat, or possibly my mother-in-law's dog.

Not a bat. (?)

Will they suck your blood? No, unless you are some form of fruit.

Why, I like dem apples very much, thank you for asking.

Will they fight crime in the night? Possibly.

I'm your worst cutest nightmare.

Are they the bats Australia needs: No.
Are they the bats Australia deserves: Yes.


Name: Kiwi
Not to be confused with: Kiwi (Fruit); Kiwi (person from New Zealand)
Spotted at: Rainbow Springs, Rotorua, New Zealand (8,300 miles from home)
Could have been spotted at: Columbus Zoo (17 miles from home)

Number of tour group members poked in butt by kiwi: 1. Sadly not me.
Not photographable because: Severely light-shy.
Most painful fact in this post: Kiwi eggs are the largest in the bird kingdom proportionate to the size of the bird. A human baby is about 5% of the mother's body weight (ex: a 150 pound woman giving birth to a 7.5 pound baby). A kiwi egg is 20% of its mother's body weight, so that same 150-pound human woman would have to give birth to a thirty-pound three-year-old child. Strangely, scientists do not consider this a factor in kiwi being endangered.


Name: Koala
Spotted in: Kuranda Koala Gardens (jeez, you'd certainly hope so)
Status of Koala labor unions: Strong. By law, Koalas can work ("be cuddled") no more than 30 minutes a day, totalling no more than 180 minutes in a week.

Did you think I was joking? I'm never joking.

Fur texture: Unbelievably soft and fluffy, like a chinchilla.
Temperament: Torpid, yet hateful.

I WILL KILL ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE

... after this nap.

Adoption status: Pending

I think he has my eyes.