Saturday, March 3, 2012

Field Agent Report: Operation Overseas Weight Loss (OWL)

Special Agent In Charge Justin
Deputy Agent Nana Reporting

EXSUM: Operation Overseas Weight Loss (Operation O.W.L.) proceeding excellently.

Point-by-point analysis:

DATA COLLECTION: According to this AM's doctor visit (to procure Hep A vaccination in advance of Cambodia mission) Special Agent in Charge (SAC) Justin has lost 6 kilograms, which is foreigner-speak for "13 pounds." Doctor at the Fukuoka International Clinic classified this accomplishment (in Dutch accent) as "Remarkable!" and affirmed that it is the second-highest weight loss rate he has ever seen at his clinic.

Data also suggests that Deputy Nana has lost 1/2 inch of height. No information as to whether or not these two phenomena are related.

ACCESS CONTROL: Significant progress has been made in securing apartment perimeter against infiltration by unhealthy food items. Grocery shopping consists heavily of produce. New local produce i.e. burdock and lotus root have been added to diet to rave reviews. Soy milk acquired from Costco is a low-calorie snack option.


SAC Justin has scrupulously recorded daily caloric intake and expenditures in free Iphone app "LoseIt," and, more importantly, does not cheat. Additionally, installation of LoseIt with identical user account on Deputy Nana's phone provides the Deputy with updated accurate information to assist her in cooking dinner while SAC Justin exercises.

Iphone app "Japanese" ($9.99) has been critical to Operation O.W.L.'s protein-replacement project. Prior to commencement of operation, chicken and pork were dominant proteins consumed, with occasional salmon. This is due to the fact that field agents are unable to identify any other proteins in the supermarket. With "Japanese," clueless agents can stand in the fish section looking up ブリ and discovering that the fish is "Japanese amberjack." Unfortunately, as the agents had never heard of this fish in English either, the "Japanese" app must be supplemented with Google and 3G access to identify recipes (this one was field-tested last night and ascertained to be "delicious.")

Current "cheat sheet" for Japanese fish:
ブリ or 鰤: ("buri") Japanese Amberjack (like swordfish but lighter)
カツオor 鰹: ("katsuo") Skipjack tuna
メカジキ: ("mekajiki") Swordfish
サワラ or 鰆: ("sawara") Spanish mackerel
マス or 鱒: ("masu") trout
ヒラメ: ("hirame") flounder

LOGISTICS: SAC Justin has exercised with great discipline, approximately 1 hr per day with few missed days, in a combination of walking and biking. Deputy Nana enjoys this greatly, as she is constantly running out of milk and now can always ask the SAC to go to the store for her. In fact, SAC Justin's discipline has even inspired Deputy Nana to join in exercise, a stunning achievement seeing as she is among the most slothful people alive, and joined her high school martial arts team because it was the only sport which did not require running laps.

Exercising on rainy days continues to be a logistical challenge. Weather has been given a firm talking-to. Should non-compliance continue, sanctions are the recommended next step.

Scheduling has also been modified. Unlike normal people, the SAC is an early riser and thus historically an early breakfaster. Moving breakfast later in the morning has enabled the SAC to reduce portion size but not pass out by lunchtime. Dinner is typically served later as well.

MORALE: SAC is a champ, having maintained his schedule despite a tremendously busy work season (talent show is coming up!) and a work-related deployment to Kobe. He also puts up with the fact that his deputy has the metabolism of a jackrabbit and currently has a Tupperware full of brownie mix in the refrigerator, which she eats with a spoon.

CONCLUSION: As stated in EXSUM, progress is exemplary. Well done, Justin!